please visit my other site.... http://fierylove08.blogspot.com/ thanks!
PG e i g h t e e n stepped on your garbage at
5:00 AM
I just wanted to first clear this up... I'm not okaii. I have nowhere else to go... so I realized I should just say it here.You see, I'm in a group of friends, a small one, but a fun one. I've had one before, which was fun too, but I felt like an alien among them. This new one feels a bit better... but slowly I'm starting to feel like I'm out of place again. They used to tell me everything, not hiding anything... which made me feel trusted. They used to laugh and tell stories with me... which made me feel that I was in the right place. They used to say that things were more fun with me... which gave me a reason to be happy. They used to wait for me, have fun with me, play and laugh along with me... which made me so obviously alive. Now it doesn't really matter to them if I don't follow... it doesn't strike them as hurtful when they call me mean... they'd keep secrets from me... they could have fun on their own. It's coming back again-my paranoia... the feeling that everyone hates me. At least I don't feel as if they're out to hurt me...There's also the fact that I'm becoming mean again. Yes, I have mentioned before that it is okay for my friends to call me mean, and that aroused my suspicion. Days after people start getting mad at me... crying and being sad because if things I've done wrong. I got scared of this me, a long time ago. I got so scared that I resolved that I would change, and be kind. I never reached that goal, though, I went back to being mean before I could reach it. Don't get me wrong, I am not proud that I am mean. I'm so scared that I would keep on failing and one day I wouldn't be able to turn back and try the right path again. In these short moments I've hurt so much, I've made so many feel a sadness that I didn't want to feel again... but am inflicting on them.To top it all of, I've been having problems with my best friend. I keep telling her that I'm fine, or that she is kind and I'm not hurting... it's true that she is kind... overwhelmingly kind, actually, but I'm not alright, and I am hurting. She's been liking other people lately that I was just scared that I'm losing my best friend and that soon enough no one will be left for me again. It hurt me to think that I could so easily go back to crying and wishing that life was over because I was alone again. I so want to say so much to my best friend about how much I am hurting and how much pain I feel but I just stop myself. I just do not want to say those kinds of things to her not because I don't trust her but because I don't want these daily fights to happen more often... because I don't want her to get hurt... Labels: friends, hate, hurt, love
PG e i g h t e e n stepped on your garbage at
3:31 AM
